Just some random things my friends or I find that I thought were funny:
An old couple sat in church. During the service, the wife whispers "I have just done a silent fart..what should I do?"
Her husband says "Put a f*&kn' battery in your hearing aid!"
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Someone's blonde joke humor: "Judging people's intelligence by hair color is just wrong... anybody could open a box of Cheerios and think it's donut seeds."
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So a man and his lawyer are called by the IRS for the man to be audited.
The auditor asks the man: "You lead an amazingly extravagant lifestyle yet you have no job. How do you expect us to believe you're not hiding something from us?"
The man claims that he makes his money gambling, which the IRS agent still finds to be fishy, so the man says, "Here, I'll prove it to you, I bet you $1000 that I can bite my eye!"
"Deal!" cries the auditor, thinking there's no way he can lose. The man proceeds to pull out his glass eye and chomp down on it.
The auditor is aghast. Then the man says: "Alright, now I bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye."
Desperate to get his money back the IRS agent agrees. The man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye.
The auditor is a wreck by now, he's just lost $3000 dollars to this guy with the lawyer as a witness! The man says, "Alright, last one, double or nothing. I bet I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that trash can over there without getting a single drop in between!" And again, the desperate auditor agrees, thinking the task impossible.
The man stands up, unzips his pants, and pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor is ecstatic, but the lawyer is starting to cry. When the auditor asks why, the lawyer says: "When he told me he had to come to be audited, he bet me $20,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
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"So bored! If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again"
